So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
