somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my shit smells like andre
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
