my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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