it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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