You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
