I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
