I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
