you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
