I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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