I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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