If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
