I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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