I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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