u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
