if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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