we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
