Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just blew my weed a kiss
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
