i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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