"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All I want is dick and wine.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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