Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
