so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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