How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
