i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
