Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
