the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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