I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well you can't waste a boner
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
