waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
