honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
