why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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