Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
