I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
