and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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