Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
