can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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