i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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