He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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