I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
