it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
