sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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