He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
