$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
