either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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