My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
