Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
