My underwear smells like fireworks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
