my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
