Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
