Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
