I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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