I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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